Yeah, 99% My Ass

Today, on a special installment of The Doozy Chronicles...

Broken hearts.

We've all been there. 

That's the thing about hearts, they are the strongest muscle in our body, and we cannot live without them, but also the most fragile objects when they break. And almost everyone I've ever met - male or female has had their heart broken.

Oh, I had too. I'd gone through a divorce, I'd survived a really bad relationship with a really bad man; which didn't rise to the level of a broken heart but really sucked for awhile. I'd watched my son go through some serious shit and come out the other side. Bottom line, my heart isn't without it's scars.

Ho ho! But today's tale blew away any previous hurts.
Damn skippy, it's another doozy.

The Tale of Hipster Pinocchio

I met Pinocchio when I was at the tail end of a bad dating cycle - lots of bad dates and douchebags. Needless to say, when Pinocchio messaged me on OKCupid with a 99% compatibility rating, I was skeptical and less than excited about dating anyone, much less Pinocchio. But he was shy and sweet in his emails. Pinocchio didn't send me a picture of his dick and he didn't talk about sex or bj's like so many other men on that hideous site.

Don't get me wrong people. Pinocchio wasn't my type. But you know what? Fuck it, I don't have a type. But looking back, I don't know what it was about Pinocchio that I found so endearing. Pinocchio wasn't the most handsome man out there (looks aren't ever the number one qualifier for me), he was sporting a goofy soul patch when I met him, he liked craft beers and loved Mumford and Sons.
Pinocchio was...
A goddamn hipster.

Weirdly enough though, being a hipster wasn't on my deal-breaker list (still isn't. I KNOW right??), so Pinocchio and I talked for a long, long time. See, here was the deal...Pinocchio's dad had just passed away and he was out West helping his mom deal with his dad's affairs and help her move into a new place.
Much later, I discovered this should have been a flag.
But, for the first month that Pinocchio and I knew each other, we didn't meet in the flesh. We texted, we Facetimed, we talked on the phone for hours, we sent each other goofy videos from our phones.
And we were
So
Damn
Compatible
99% indeed.

I won't bore you with the minute details of our courtship, except to say that the day that Pinocchio came home, I picked him up from the airport. And it is still one of the best memories. 
Do you ever have those moments in your life when you stop and think to yourself "Hey! This could be a scene in a movie?!" That. That was the moment in time when Pinocchio and I saw each other for the first time. It was romantic, awkward, funny and sexy all at once.
It was perfect.

And it only got better from there.Our compatibility was off the charts.
You like Thai food?
ME TOO!
You like to cook?
ME TOO!
You like superheroes?
ME TOO!
Much later I would discover this should have been a flag.

Suffice to say, it didn't take me long to fall deep and hard for my own hipster; his love of craft beers aside. I felt all the way to my toes that he was "the one". I'd met his daughters and I fell in love with them too. He met my son and they were forging a friendship. All of our kids had met. We planned vacations. We talked about meeting each other parents. 
We talked about potentially moving in together.
We made plans.

You see what's coming right?

Imagine my utter shock when I arrived at Pinocchio's house for our weekly "date night" and when I walked in, something was obviously very, very wrong with Pinocchio.
Me: "Is it your mom? The girls?" Pinocchio only nodded no
Me: "What's wrong?"
Pin: "It's me. Us. This isn't working, My feelings have changed."
Me:Holy shit Doozy."What?! What's happened? Is it someone else?"
Pin: "No, no one else. I don't know, it's been feeling weird for a couple weeks.I can't explain it, but my feelings have changed. This isn't working for me anymore."

I just crumbled. Completely and utterly crumbled. I vaguely remembered Pinocchio trying to give me a hug, but I wanted nothing.
Just three days earlier after I had spent the weekend at his house as I was packing up my make-up Pinocchio suggested that I keep some of my things at his house; a toothbrush, my razor - stuff like that. It was a big step.
And then, less than a week later, Pinocchio was kicking me out of his life with seemingly no reason, no explanation short of..
"MY FEELINGS HAVE CHANGED."
Well how fucking nice for you.

I was utterly devastated.
Completely.
Totally.

My poor teenage son witnessed my meltdown that night when I got home and was unable to mask my heartbreak. He was sweet to me and furious at Pinocchio for causing me such pain. I am lucky to have such a good son. But I knew that I had to pull my shit together. I couldn't lose my cool with my life, at least not on the outside.

So, I kept it together as well as I could during the day. I'd just started a new job the week before (Yay!) and it took everything I had to mask my pain during the day and just get through work. And I worked hard to mask my pain from my son. I was the parent, he didn't need to see that crap.
But, man, at night? When I was alone?

Holy shitballs...

I was lost. The loss in those first couple weeks of not only Pinocchio but the relationship was palpable.
I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I was a fucking wreck. And I felt like I was going crazy. My girlfriends were sweet to me; Paige took me to breakfast and let me cry over my eggs benedict, Brandee gave me the "buck up" talk over coffee, but I was still coming apart inside. And that made me feel like even more of a pussy. There I was, a strong, single, independent woman who was feeling and behaving like a histrionic twelve year old girl. 

Histrionics aren't my jam people.

The loss, the sudden, shocking absence of a love that I was SO sure of was like a writhing, snarling gargoyle sitting on my chest. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move.
How could Pinocchio do that to me? I mean come on, really dude. How could someone who days earlier told me to leave my stuff at his house suddenly, callously and with a seeming shug just push me away? Someone who up until the day before was throwing "I love you's" my way?
Like I didn't matter?

Because I was the Starter Girlfriend.
And because Pinocchio was mirroring me.

I'm totally serious here people. That's a thing,Here!

The fallout from Pinocchio caused me to trot on back to my therapist. And honestly, she's the only one who really knows what that break-up did to me and how unbelievably hard it was on me. One thing about me, I'm very good at bullshitting when I have to.

So mirroring.

Honk my damn hooter, I didn't know this existed, but it does. And with Pinocchio after many tortuous hours back in my therapy chair, I came to the conclusion that it was all

B  U  L  L  S  H  I  T 

with Pinocchio. At least where he was concerned. Because he lacked the emotional complexity to know how and what to feel on his own. Up against someone like me, who is emotionally healthy enough to know her flaws and strengths, Pinocchio didn't quite know what to do, but he knew that he liked what he saw, so he subconsciously just went with it. He mirrored me. That's why we were so compatible.
99% my ass.
So while I was out there in love-land being all authentic and shit, Pinocchio didn't know what the hell he was really feeling. Until shit got real and we got serious

Then poor Pinocchio freaked out bigtime. And lacking any sort of healthy, adult coping mechanisms he went for the nuclear option and ditched me.
Okay, it's only a theory. But it's the only one I had.

All of this psych stuff only helped me to a point. In reality, I had a lot of work to do inside. I'd been dumped before, but I'd never been dumped by "the One". And it took me a long  time before I could safely say that I didn't miss Pinocchio.

But he changed me.
That was a relationship that changed me.

You know, I've been asked (and I've asked myself) why I keep dating when I hate the process so much. And I never have an answer for it. But in drafting this, I think I've figured it out. Since Pinocchio, I want to see if lightning can strike twice. I don't miss Pinocchio anymore, I haven't for a long time now. But I miss being loved and loving someone. That was the best feeling in the world - to feel wrapped in someone's warmth and comfort. And to have had that, then have it yanked away so coldly just sucks. So, I think I've been searching to see if lightning can strike twice. Even though I know, scientifically that it doesn't.

Except for this guy:

Check this out..it's INSANE. Okay, he's the exception.

My friend Hal has asked me before if I would ever take Pinocchio back. Like, if our world was a romantic comedy and Pinocchio showed up on my doorstep begging forgiveness would I give him a second chance, since I loved him so deeply?
No.
I did love Pinocchio more than any man I'd ever known. But I couldn't ever trust him again. And trust is pretty damn important to me. Plus, you know Pinocchio proved that he's not an authentic man. And authenticity is a deal-breaker to me now. So yes, I did love Pinocchio very much. And he hurt me very much. And even though I occasionally think about us with a sort of bittersweet memory, I got over it.

Because sometimes memories just...peter out...

Thanks for reading and feel free to leave any of your own comments, about heartbreak or anything else.
-Doozy