If It Walks Like A Duck...Buckle Up

There's something to be said for randomly saving weird convo's with rando's from the internet you know.

I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!

Anyhoo, so in a perfectly innocent search for porn...erm...I mean inspirational hymns on my old desktop I came across something better than James Deen's peen. A word doc from summer 2013 of some old OkCupid conversations with some absolutely lovely men.

No really. Ya'll can stop laughing now.
Seriously.
Okay, fine. You know how Doozy's life rolls. When I added some of my more recent encounters with Voldemort's minions to the mix, well now I can hardly control myself.

We have many, so let's dig in shall we?

Our first contestant hails from that janky eVow website I was talking about last week. 
HOLY SHIT

Our lovely bachelor "likes pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain, he's not into yoga, and he has half a brain, he likes making love at midnight, in the dunes on the cape, he's the love that you've looked for..so write to him and escape"... Enjoy.

Notice how he totally disregarded my hint about how he moved at fucking WARP SPEED?

To be fair to this guy, I get the feeling that the eVow site is geared toward people who are really, really, really wanting a relationship, like right now, and are ready to jump on it, and you immediately. Women out there in the world, DO NOT go to this site unless you are ready to move fast with a man, because in the three days - THREE DAYS I was on that site I got two really great blog posts out of two kind of skivvy dudes who seemed like they crawled out of wilds of Alaska somewhere, screaming...

WHERE THE WIMMEN AT?

If women were poultry of course. Probably depends on the day...

Moving on

So. As usual when I post texts, emails, posts, etc, from my "real" life, the real names/cities/identities/etc. have been changed, but not the screen names. And the only thing I've changed is that MY responses are italicized. Other than that ALL the grammar, spelling and convos are real.

May Cthulhu have mercy on us all..

"i am dude"

Hear me roar.

Oooh...the Dude has a White Russian. Doesn't that sound good now that it's summer?? I loves me some Kahlua. Course, his glass is waaaay too small. Anything made with Kahlua and milk needs be in a goddamn thirsty-two ounce bucket. Amirite?

But I digress

What
The
Actual
Fuck? 

Was wrong with You Guy? Okay, well maybe a lot of things come to think of it. Maybe he was kicked out of his Justin Bieber fan club, maybe his mom sold his mint condition Beanie Baby collection on eBay then moved and didn't tell him; dunno could have been a lot of things. But I have a sneaky suspicion that You Guy was trying to be clever to cover up the fact that he might have been angry about dating - who knows this shit? So he sent snarky messages to girls on OKCupid who then ignored him, thus making him more pissy.

And the Circle of Life continued.

Moving on

These next two continued on the vein of being slightly condescending and patronizing while trying to get game.
Huh.
Now. Here's the thing with me, I don't actually offend easily at all. Seriously. Raunchy jokes? Ya'll have been paying attention right? As if... Inappropriate talk? Nu-uh? Even being the "strong, modern, woman" I am..whatever the fuck that means anymore, I don't get my panties in a twist often; Until I come up against people who are patronizing or treat me like I'm stupid. 
Then game's on shitdick. 
So my eyes couldn't roll back in my head far enough...

Nuff said.


 I actually can't really snark on this one. 

I felt bad for him then and looking back at this now, I still do. He read as someone who, at least in print, maybe isn't very well read..he certainly didn't write well (so online dating must be/have been hard for him?). Also, he came off as desperately lonely or maybe just desperate? 

I mean, there are certainly MANY times in the dating world, both on and offline when you are desperate. It's a natural reaction. Online dating is a numbers game, but it can be a blender for your emotions - men and women. Hopes are up then hopes are dashed. Rejection, rejection, rejection. It takes some massive balls to date this way and keep coming back, again and again to put yourself out there on a platter for complete strangers to judge you. Offline dating is just as hard, albeit in a different "meat market" way.

I dunno, this one was just sort of...sad to me. And I hope somewhere out there this Another Guy found someone for himself.

Moving on

Now, anyone who has spent any amount of time in the online dating world probably gets a large number of messages from people that are just, well...stupid.
Stupid like "Hey baby what's your sign?" or "There's a party in my pants and your invited." Da fuck.

But here's what gets me EVERY.SINGLE.TIME with these messages. These men (and I assume this happens from women too) don't seem to understand that we aren't talking, it isn't a real conversation - it's t-y-p-i-n-g. So sending me an email with "Sup", or "Hi" is like sending me an message with your grocery list.

Why would I reply to a bland, generic "Hi"?  That's the best you can do? I impressed you enough for 0.05 seconds of your time?
Way to pull out the big guns there Tiger...

ZZZZZZZZZ.....
Whaaa? Oh sorry, I dozed off there for a minute. But I'm back now!

And last but not least...

Wait...let that sink in for a minute. Go ahead and reread it. We can wait.

Ya'll wanna know what the ironic part of our last contestant's little homophobia up there is (he said in his profile didn't like "feminists?" either)? AlphaMale happens to be a man of color. Yeah. Maybe be it was the extreme religion/alpha male thing in his profile that was messing with him? Since I would hate to think that a member of our culture known to be discriminated against would hate on other members of our culture known to be discriminated against....
Hold on
Who am I kidding here?

Regardless of your color,religion or whatever dude.
Ho's and Bro's before someone who thinks like you...
Every
Single
Time

As always, thanks for reading and feel free to leave comments, link and share!
-Doozy