Clean Up on Aisle 5...

You know, not every girl is a lucky enough princess to have a date in a grocery store.

Is that Nicolas Cage?

Moving on

And like every tale of my pathetic love life I tell, this is totally true, and it's a doozy.

The Tale of Mr. Krabbynuts

I don't. I...don't..even know where to start on this one.

Dear sweet 8.5lb. baby Jeebus riding a Moped.

Once again, this is a vintage story, way back into 2011 and honestly some of the details are a wee bit fuzzy.

Or maybe the electro-shock treatments are working.
Fuck. It's a toss-up dudes.

Moving on

Mr. Krabbynuts messaged me on I don't know, let's say Match. I was at work (I know, I know, but I hated my job at the time, so the Match app was a fun diversion) when we started chatting. There are a few things I remember about Mr. Krabbynuts:

• He said that he hadn't dated anyone in quite awhile
• He said that he was really interested in finding a woman
• He said that he had a minor disability and that he sometimes had to walk with a cane.

Um... Say what?

Now, I'd be lying if I said that the last one didn't tweak my spidey senses, only because none of his pictures, even his body shots showed any indication of any kind of disability. Although I remember that in his shots he was sitting down. 

And Krabbynuts came on really strong. Strong enough that I hedged going out. There was that "Doozy's being a pussy" thing again. Took me awhile to get over that.
KN: "So, when are we getting together? Free tonight?"
Dudes. It was like a Wednesday.
Me: "Well, I can't tonight. I have to make a cake for work tomorrow." This was actually true!
KN: "That's no problem. I'll meet you at the grocery store. It'll be fun!"
I shit you not people, Krabbynuts wanted to have a first date at a grocery store. I mean, it helped that we lived in the same town, but...but..
A
Grocery
Store
For fuck sakes.

Okay, you're thinking. That's weird, but it could be worse.
Why yes. Yes it could be.
And here we go...

Because I was still I dunno spineless? Desperate? Bored? I said okay. And I remember pulling into a parking space and wanting to bang my head on my steering wheel. Seriously Doozy. I was having a date at a damn grocery store. That was only one level up (or down?) from having a hook-up on the hood of a rusted out 1989 El Camino in the parking lot of a White Castle.

And no. I've never done that. Not yet anyways. I don't think I've hit rock bottom.

But I digress

Anyhoo, I don't remember how Krabbynuts and I found each other in the parking lot, but we did..and...well..do you people remember when I mentioned that Krabbynuts said he had a "minor" disability?
Yeahhhh.
Noooo.
He didn't.

I don't quite know how Mr. Krabbynuts pulled off his photos, but he didn't look a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g like his pictures. First off, he was a good three inches shorter than me (and remember, I'm sort of a Glamazon and pretty tall for a chick), and what he said he was on his profile. Krabbynuts was also probably 120 pounds wet. 
But wait for it...
Krabbynuts had one leg that was much shorter and smaller than the other and one arm that was deformed.

Okay. I admit that this bothered me. A lot. Maybe I'm just a dick, but I just wasn't prepared for that. I didn't consider the ailment that Krabbynuts had as "minor". He had trouble walking and picking things up, and it was obvious to me within the first three minutes that Krabbynuts had an attitude about his disability. He got pissy when I tried helping him pick stuff up from low shelves that he couldn't reach because of his short arm and his balance issue. Krabbynuts was also hobbling really fast, like we were in some damn Supermarket Sweep looking for on sale lamb chops. At one point, I asked Krabbynuts if whatever was wrong with him caused him any pain and he puffed up his chest and said no, that he was just born that way, but that it didn't hurt. That was good. Even for as uncomfortable as I was, I didn't want Krabbynuts to be in pain. Clearly though, Krabbynuts was just as uncomfortable as I was. Uncomfortable and pissy.

I couldn't blame him really. It has to be hard dating in today's world with any kind of disability, no matter how minor; and it must be extremely trying if someone has a significant one.

I ended the date as quick as possible, probably twenty minutes tops. But when Krabbynuts tried to kiss me at the end of our supermarket rendezvous, that's when I was all

"I gotta go. Thanks"

Okay, okay, okay. Not one of my best moments. I admit it.

But here's where I was a dick, and I still am, I guess.
First off, don't lie about  what's wrong with you. Do your bowels explode when you eat cheese? Fine, then don't profess to love fondue.

Second, don't get pissed off if some rando you just met gets a bit freaked out by your lack of honesty and the fact that one of your arms looks like a crab leg.

Annnd I admit that my friend and I went around shouting "THE CLAW" for a week after my date with Krabbynuts.

A fucking grocery store.
Just let that marinate for awhile....


Feel free to share your bad date stories and thanks for reading.
- Doozy