One Big Exhale..Never Did Me No Good..

It's happened four times now.

Back when I first started dating, I would go off on every first date with pretty high expectations. No, really. I was an idiot. I didn't know the rules, or how dating works in the 21st Century. And I had no freaking clue how men in their 30's -middle age think..or don't think, I don't know at this point. I really was a a spaz, like this guy

But man oh man, something janky is going on recently, and it's pissing me off, not to mention that my ego is taking a hit.

The Tale of the Four Henchmen of the Apocalypse

Henchman One: Beebozore
A couple weeks ago, I was messaged by Beebozore on some site - I don't even remember now, so let's say it was PlentyofFish. Beebozore sent a nice, long, thoughtful message not just a "sup". So, we chatted back and forth on the site, and he quickly asked me out to a local suburban wine bar.
Oh why not?
Beebozore was attractive, didn't scream douchecanoe and he had a job. Besides, it was only a first date.

See, now I go into a first date like a job interview. No expectations. I wait to see how the date goes to see if this a man that I would even want to see again, and also to read how the chemistry is going to gauge if there even will be a chance at a second date.

The date with Beebozore went great. Loads of chemistry, great conversation, flirting galore. Beebozore even hinted at second and third dates. It felt good.
Then he laid a whopper of a kiss on me at the end of the date and talked of seeing each other again. Whoo hoo!

And I never heard from him again.

Beebozore just never responded to the text message I sent. The end.

Henchman Two: Wardomalthus


My date with Wardomalthus actually was the day after Beebozore. Don't judge. Sometimes I get lucky and my milkshake brings all the boys to my yard.
Damn right. It's better than yours...

Anyhoo, Wardomalthus seemed very nervous. His eye was twitching, which I somehow found kind of cute. I don't get nervous or excited about dates anymore. Something that I find kind of sad. Like, really Doozy? Am I really that cynical now that I can't even muster up any kind of "oomph" before a damn date?

But I digress

We met at a local hipster eatery which serves organic foodz and has very good huevos rancheros. The conversation was good, but we didn't have nearly the chemistry that Beebozore and I had the night before. But still, Wardomalthus was sweet, had good manners and tipped well. Besides, I don't need that instant "wham pop!" of chemistry on the first date, I just need to not feel like I'm eating with my cousin or something. I get that chemistry sometimes develops at different rates for different people. It can take time. Wardomalthus and I then took a walk around one of the lakes and that seemed to chill him out. Turned out Wardomalthus had a pretty good sense of humor under all those nerves.

And he kissed me goodbye. Gave me a really long, tight hug. And again, it felt good.

And again. Nothing. Oh Wardomalthus responded to my thank you text, then...nothing. For six days Wardomalthus was silent, until he sent me message on the site saying he'd met someone else. Hey, I gotta give him props for at least letting me know.

Henchman Three: The Moozedire

Dudes.

I was ready for this one. So fucking ready. All my guards were up, my bases were loaded and no amount of charm was getting by me this time.

The Moozedire and I had talked for quite a bit of time before we ended up going to a baseball game together. We even talked on the phone - something that is rare in the online dating world these days. The Moozedire was funny, employed and seemed like a good dad.

The night of the game, we didn't have any issues chatting it up and keeping the chemistry rolling off us in waves. He held my hand as we walked around the park. We joked in the stands, talked about our families, jobs and childhoods. The Moozedire even went so far as to talk about him needing to switch the weekends that he had his kids so that we would both be free at the same time. I kept my side-eye to myself.

At the end of the date, he laid a USDA, choice A1 kiss on me and said that we would do that again.

Ya'll see what's coming right? I can tell you're shocked...

That's right. The Moozedire disappeared into the ether of easy pussy and online porn (I imagine). Hell, I have no idea at this point.

But wait, there's more...

Henchman Four: Vulvasaur

Vulvasaur was the most recent. And he was from a new site! I know, I know...it was a moment of weakness and self flagellation that caused me to sign up for eHarmony. I don't know why, since so far I'm less than impressed with the men on there. Meh. But I'm letting my profile marinate out there, mostly because it's paid up for a couple months, and because I'm feeling lazy.

But I digress

Vulvasaur pursued me pretty hard on eHarmony, after we got through the tedious communication the site sets up. I would be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued by Vulvasaur's pursuit, especially after the three previous Henchmen. 

Okay muthafucker, I can play.

We met at an upscale bar and grill for drinks, and the first thing I noticed was that Vulvasaur was much more attractive than in his pictures. The conversation flowed well, we joked around and the three hours passed by quickly. We lived in the same city even - bonus points! He mentioned me meeting his friends, he talked a lot about his friends, and his kids.

And here's the kicker. The damn kicker.

Vulvasaur made a tentative date with me for Tuesday.

Then Vulvasaur didn't return the two texts I sent him over the weekend. The one thanking him for the date, and the one asking him about his kids soccer games.

Complete

Silence

Who the fuck does that?!

Look. I get it. It's a first date. It doesn't mean a damn thing, especially to men. But for fuck sakes, don't men understand or even think about women at ALL? I don't go into these dates with any expectations, but if a guy lays a kiss on me or ASKS ME OUT ON A SECOND DATE, I expect to at least hear from him again.

Cuz here's the thing with me, and most women I know (not all, but most), even if I really like a guy, I don't kiss him or make promises or lead him on if I'm not going to follow up on my actions.
Like a douche

Because now I'm left sitting here wondering what's wrong with ME? I'm wondering what am I doing wrong? What am I projecting? Am I too fat? Too ugly? Too weird? Spazzy? Whaaaa? How messed up is that? I'm not desperate. I don't need a man . Sure, I want one, but I don't need one. There's a big difference. My friend Oz thinks that men can pick up on the feeling that I can really take or leave a man, that I don't really "need" a man in my life and that this idea freaks them out. 

So. Men are like horses and dogs? They can smell fear and/or boredom? Fantastic.

Or. Are there really that many fickle,emotionally unavailable and broken men out there in the world?

Honestly? It's probably a combination of both. I'm tired of being disappointed, so I have thick walls up and there's no way that isn't obvious. And men these days probably want dating to be easy and their women to be like Stepford Wives or porn stars.

One big exhale never did me no good...

Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave comments!
-Doozy