Boy, That Escalated Quickly...

I had been out of the dating world for a loooong time when I got into online dating. And boy, was I an unprepared, stupid, newbie. I made so many mistakes, most which I will talk about in later posts. This mistake however, has to do with hypocisy, not listening to my intuition and generally being spineless. Not one of my better moments.

The Tale of Rager Wibbletits

Oh yeah. This one is a big doozy; and it happened early in my dating career, think early 2012? 

Okay, so picture this people: I had made a pact with my friend Meg that I would go on as many dates as possible because I needed the dating experience; after being out of circulation for so long and having such little mojo with the penis set. In hindsight, I totally admit that this was really stupid. I mean, I went on dates when I didn't want to, with men I wasn't into, not so I could get a free meal or anything (shit I could have my own damn courtesy Doozy Date booth at Chili's by now), but more just so I could get the experience of talking to men again. Flirting. Small talk. And buttloads of rejection. Talk about the rejection.

But I digress.

So, I forget which site I'd been on; let's say it was OkCupid... and I DO remember that I had been going on a lot of dates. I was in that shame spiral where I was vacillating between "these men are all idiots" and "what the fuck is wrong with me that these men all reject me?" kind of thinking when Rager Wibbletits messaged me.

Wibbletits only had one picture on his profile. A slightly grainy headshot of him in a John Deere ballcap.

Yellow flag number one.

Wibbletits also didn't have too much information on his profile either, except (and I DO remember this very, very clearly) that he was 5'9" and a stocky body type. Remember this people, it will be important later. Yes, there's a quiz.

Yellow flag number two.

We exchanged small talk and right away Wibbletits asked me if I was the type of girl who liked to date a lot of men. He really hounded this message. He only dated women who only dated him...

Uh. Dude.

The should have been red flag number one.

But again, remember, I was still in my stupid phase of dating and not picking up on these cues, even though talk like that made my butthole clench a bit.

Moving on.

Wibbletits and I arranged to meet at a local sports bar place that serves giant plates of nachos and has twenty five different beers on tap. Swell. I like nachos.

I really didn't have a read on what Wibbletits looked like, since I just had the one picture. I remember standing awkwardly by the front door, fumbling with my phone, searching the room for anyone that could possibly, remotely look like who Wibbletits was supposed to look like.

When the front door opened.

Um.

Oh dear.

You know how sometimes you see those commercials on TV for Subway and the meatball sammiches are all yummy looking like this?

And you're thinking, "oooh, I could get into a meatball sub from Subway! Yeah!!" But once you get one, it looks like this?

Yep.

That was Wibbletits. Total false advertising. He wasn't anywhere close to 5'9" - more like 5'6" (and I'm a pretty tall girl). And stocky? Nope. Nu-uh, No way pal. Wibbletits was...how to put this kindly? Well, you remember that John Deere hat I mentioned Wibbletits was wearing in his profile picture? He was built more like the tractor. Pulling a very wide load.

"Oh shit." I thought. I had a lot of thoughts in my head...immediately. I had an entire conversation racing through my brain as we introduced ourselves and made our way to the table. I was trying to think of a sly way to get out, and then I felt very guilty. 

Dudes.

I'm no super-model. I'm so not perfect. I'm not skinny or gorgeous or a photoshopped meatball sub. BUT, and this is a big but, I also didn't lie on my dating profiles either. And I guess underneath it all, I am the same as everyone; else - shallow, petty and...you know...I have standards. Lying being a top deal-breaker.

Moving on.

Dinner was fucking creepy too.
Wibbletits didn't eat.
I'm totally not making this up. He spent the entire meal - which I wolfed down - staring at me.

Now. Remember, this was early in my dating career, before I had developed a thick skin, the ability to not give a shit when dealing with creepers, or listening to my intuition, so I really didn't know how to deal with Wibbletits or how to get out. He talked about how much he despised women who dated other men while dating him, because = sluts. How he wanted a women who was going to commit to him right away and only date him.

And here's where my hypocrisy comes in. FUN! We had a conversation about ending a date and how there's always that awkward moment where two people are saying goodbye. And if you aren't into someone instead of saying the obligatory 
"I had a great time, we should do this again!" just say
"It was nice meeting you"
So I wouldn't expect a call back. Why lie? We aren't kids, if you aren't into me, it's cool, but men didn't need to lie as long as they were polite and civil. Wibbletits was totally on-board with that concept.

And always with the damn staring...

After I scarfed my food down and said I had to get going here's where we came full circle:

Wibbletits "Can I see you tomorrow?"
Me: "Uh" Shit, think fast Doozy "Uh...well..uh..I really can't go on more than one date during the week because of my son" (a total lie, my son was like fourteen at the time).
Wibbletits "What about lunch? You have to eat lunch right?"
Me: "Uh...um..I'll..I'll have to look at my calendar and see if I have any time"

By this point I was creeped out beyond belief, but I was too much of a pussy to just say "No" and end the date. I mean, I was getting just enough of a vibe off of Wibbletits that I wasn't sure if he would follow me home. With KY Jelly. And a hatchet.

Dude.

The straw that broke the camel's proverbial back was coming. A big, fat, crazy straw of craziness. As Wibbletits was walking me to my car, he dropped this:
"Doozy, I'm so glad you've decided to just date me."

What
The
Everloving
Fuck?

I stopped, turned to him, put my hand up and said
"Okay, this was just a first date. We just need to stop right there. I don't know what's going to happen."
"Okay, okay, okay" Wibbletits mumbled.
But I was still too much of a pussy to back out of my non-committal, sort-of-lunch date.
Needless to say, I didn't sleep that night. So, first thing in the morning, I texted Wibbletits. 
And this was our exchange:

Annnd scene.

There really isn't a quiz. But feel free to share any dating stories you have or leave comments.
-Doozy