"You're Terminated....F@cker."

Sooo...how does a girl collapse almost six months of struggle with an emotionally unavailable man into one post?

I have no clue.

No, really.
I've been struggling with this one for awhile now because this story didn't leave me in heartbreak like Pinocchio, and while I wasn't faced with a douchenugget, per se...OH MY STARS..what a messed up dude.

The Tale of Berengarius the Terminus

Oh...where to start??

I met Berengarius on Plenty of Fish and he was quite a bit older than me, which at first I thought would be good for me, since the men around my age seem to have the maturity of coleslaw that'd been left on a picnic table all day. Our first date was a pleasant enough dinner on a crisp September evening. Berengarius was attractive, employed and seemed stable. He even spoke about how he'd been through therapy because his marriage had been horrible and his ex-wife used to go postal and beat him up.

I didn't realize at the time that therapy = a complete fucking emotional shut down.

Also, Berengarius was insistent that we progress our relationship really slowly, which wasn't something that usually happened in my relationships. But again, I figured that was a good thing for me to do, a very healthy, grown up, emotionally balanced exercise for me to go through. So, okay.

BUT

OH

MY

GOD

But there's slow, then there's glacial.

It took well over a month for Bengarius to admit that he liked me. I'm not talking about gushing, head over heels LIKE, I'm talking, like - as in, "you don't make me want to stick a fork in your neck" or "yeah, I can see myself wanting to play the slappy weiner game with you."

A month people.

And Bengarius wasn't ever able to just come out and express his most basic feelings. Not even joking. If he wanted to see me, Berengarius couldn't just be all;
"Yo babe, I've been missing you. I want to see you on Friday. Can we make that work?"
Nope. That would be way, way too...human for the T1. Instead, I would have to be the one to make the overtures; which left me feeling needy; which I'm not. And on the remote occasions when he DID express the most mild interest in seeing me Berengarius would express his emotions thus
"I would be open to getting together."
Well then hotstuff, let me get my panties all untwisted from the absolute rush of hormones that just flooded my system. I mean, how can a girl NOT get all ready for sexytime when presented with passion like that? Wooph!

And I bet you're all asking yourselves why I didn't just tell Berengarius to take a hike?
Excellent question people!
Well, I did like Berengarius, we got along well. He wasn't a jerk perse..just...unemotional. And I did feel that the whole "going slow, don't let your feelings be your bitch" experiment would be good for me. And it was.

BUT
Come on...ya'll knew the BUT was coming.

The months kinda dragged by. Two, three, four, five with nothing developing in the emotional department. I dunno, call me a naive romantic (HA HA HA HA HA!) but it seems to me that if you're dating someone for months on end and you see that person on a regular basis (=penis in vagina) it stands to reason that unless you are, in fact, a fucking cyborg, you would start to feel something for that person that is more than you would feel for...oh say... a pancake special at IHOP.

But alas. Berengarius and I trundled on with no emotional attachment developing on his end. I was warming up to him. I mean, he did nice things. He bought me thoughtful Christmas presents. He fixed the heater in my car, he was kind, he was...steady. And I kept asking myself (and those around me), "how long should it take someone to fall in love with you? If it's going to happen, shouldn't we know by now? It's been MONTHS."

And here's the thing. I don't need romance, hearts and flowers bullshit all the time. BUT, I do need to know that my partner is into me, that he's just as into the relationship as I am. That he's brought his heart to the fucking table too.

I wasn't dating to do all the goddamn work on my own dude.

And frankly, that's how it started to feel with Berengarius. He didn't give me any hints AT ALL about how he felt. Which was frustrating and uneasy to no end.

Welcome to emotional unavailability.

That's the thing with emotionally unavailable people. You never, ever know where you stand with them. It's like they physically curl up into their anuses when faced with talking about their emotions - even basic ones. Then the blaming, defensiveness or obfuscation starts. Maddening stuff. That was Berengarius to a T...or T1 as was his case.

THINK OF THE ANUSES

Finally, everything came to a head in the end January. When I stepped out onto my emotional edge and told Berengarius a bit of how I felt. Now, this was after Berengarius prompted me to TELL him how I felt, reminding me that I was safe with him, that he wasn't like other men I'd met online.

Uh-huh.
So I did. And it went something like this...

ME: "So. When are we going to stop dicking around and finally admit how we feel about each other?"
BG: "I've known how you feel about me for awhile now."
ME: "Oh? Is that so? So you know that I'm starting to have some feelings for you?"
BG: "Yes. And while I care about you, I'm just not there yet."

Hookay.

I let it drop for a little bit, but I admit, that bugged me. Berengarius and I had been dating for almost 6 months by that point, and I just couldn't get past the feeling that he should feel something. Anything. Have a clue. Buy a vowel. Call in a lifeline. Something more than "I'm just not there yet". Dunno, that felt...like a cop out. Like he just wasn't that into me, but he didn't have the plums to admit it and break things off. Of course, I take full responsibility for not seeing that as well and not getting out either. 

I was beginning to feel like I was wasting my time.
And indeed I had been.

So, I made the classic error that people make with emotionally unavailable people. I pushed. Just a bit too much. 

About a week later or so Berengarius and I were at a movie when out of the blue, he brought up a woman that he once dated and how "amazing" she was; how "deeply" he cared about her. She was Russian though, and, according to Berengarius, the cultural and language differences were too hard and it didn't work out. They had dated for 3 months.

My Spidey Senses started tingling.
It was a couple days later I gathered up my ladyballs and sent him a text...

ME: Question for you. How long would you say your average relationship has lasted?
BG: About six months. Why?
ME: Just curious.
BG: You're fishing for something. What's up?
ME: Nothing's up. Just trying to figure out how your brain works is all...Ever fall in love with any of those women?

THAT got Berengarius to call me immediately.
Apparently, my questions had touched off a nerve. Or maybe it was his time of the month, because

OH
MY
GOD

You would have thought that I'd have asked Berengarius if he liked to bathe with goats. He lost.His.Shit.

BG: "Next time you want to ask me a question, just ask it. Don't try and manipulate me to get the answer. I spent too many years in a marriage where I was manipulated so someone could get what they wanted!"
ME: "Huh? What are you talking about? I didn't manipulate you."
BG: "Yes you did! I asked what's up and you said nothing. Clearly, something is up."
ME: "Well, it is NOW. I was just curious about your past relationships because you NEVER talk about them. Like EVER. When you mentioned that chick the other day, it got me to thinking about it. It wasn't a big deal until you've made it a big deal."
BG: "I thought you would wonder about that. I could tell it upset you."
ME: "It didn't upset me. But I am curious. You never talk about the relationships you've had. Did you love that woman you talked about?"
BG: "I fell really hard for her and moved too fast for her. I scared her away. I learned my lessons from that experience and now I move much more slowly. I'm sorry if you cannot accept that." (I was thinking..you sure don't have to worry about that this time pal).

And the conversation just went downhill from there.
I told him that I was just trying to figure out where his head was, and if I was wasting my time dating him. I'd told him in the beginning that both people being able to eventually fall in love was a dealbreaker for me, and I was beginning to wonder if he was able to do that.
Berengarius then proceeded to LECTURE me.
L
E
C
T
U
R
E

Berengarius told me that I needed to stop psychoanalyzing people so much. That I needed to just "go with the flow", "chill out", "relax" and stop trying to figure people out all the time. He also told me that I was too needy, and that if I didn't stop it was going to take a really strong man to put up with me otherwise I would end up alone. And that even though I was "set in my ways" I wasn't going to pressure him into feeling things that "just weren't there yet".

I'm so not fucking making this up people.

After the dust settled on my lecture I was hurt. Really hurt. I felt confused, attacked and like I'd done something wrong by trying to get Berengarius to open up about his feelings. Well, he did open up his feelings, just not the ones I had been expecting.
I didn't handle it well, I admit it.
I crawled into my Doozy hole and licked my wounds, and I..well...I didn't contact Berengarius for a week or two.
But hey, he told me to relax and chill out. So I did. I know, I know..petty and spiteful of me.
Yeah. Maybe not the most mature response, but I wasn't sure HOW I should behave and frankly I didn't want to have anything to do with the man for a bit.
So, I moped.
I thought.
I processed.
I cried.
And, well, I was pissed.
Because one thing was perfectly, glaringly clear to me. Berengarius, the man who once called himself an EMOTIONAL RETARD, was never going to fall in love with me. Not even close. He just wasn't that into me.

And that wasn't my fault.
A self described "emotional retard"...and me?

Of course, Berengarius didn't throw down any olive branches either. Which just made me feel even MORE shitty. And everything came to a crashing crash right around his birthday, which just happened to be on Valentine's Day.

Now, I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day, I think it's a pretty meaningless holiday if you have a solid relationship, and this year I certainly wasn't in the mood. However, I'd earlier bought Berengarius a Valentine's Day card, and a birthday card. But he hadn't contacted me at all...not even to check and see if I was doing okay...he just dumped all over me then peaced out.
So, I manned up and called him about his birthday the middle of that week.

BG: "I don't know what we're doing yet. I need to check with the kids. Maybe we can get together on Saturday?"
ME: "You're not working on Friday (his birthday and VD). You don't want to get together then? We can do something mellow. I can cook you dinner...so we don't have to go out."
BG: "I'll check with the kids and get back to you."
That was on Wednesday morning. Then...
Nothing.
Thursday went by. 
Nothing.
The Point. I get it.

I texted Berengarius on Friday morning to wish him a happy birthday and but I didn't even mention Valentine's Day. Yep, I admit, I was testing him. Again, not my best moment. Dammit. But I wanted to see if he gave a shit at all, if it even registered.
Annnnnd, it didn't.
Nothing.

Fucker.
I was done.

I had a few things to wrap up though. See, I had promised Berengarius' son that I would make him manicotti for fixing my car heater, because he had done a very kind thing for me. And I'm still grateful to him to this day. I also had promised Berengarius that I would make him some orange hunting flags, so I finished those up on Thursday night. I found it very cathartic. Sewing clears my mind, as does cooking.

So by Friday night, when I still hadn't heard a thing from Berengarius, I more was furious than hurt.  I felt that he was sending me a clear message that he really didn't give a shit about me at that point.
Point taken indeed.

I hadn't, and still to this day don't feel that I did anything wrong in being open, vulnerable and expecting a grown ass man to come to a relationship with grown ass feelings.

I wrapped up the manicotti  - which is AWESOME by the way, it's the Food Network/Giada recipe and I recommend it - especially if you make homemade marinara sauce, which is super easy!

But I digress...

I wrapped up the manicotti, folded up the hunting flags, tossed in Berengarius' cards and drove his shit over to his house. 
On his birthday
On Valentine's Day night

I dropped the basket full of stuff at Berengarius' doorstep, didn't even knock and walked away.
Passive aggressive?
Fuck yeah it was.

But honestly, I was weary. I didn't have anything left to give the joke of our relationship and at that moment I was so pissed that I probably would have made a big ol' dramatic scene that I wasn't in the mood for.

We'd gotten a lot of snow that day. And the part that was the ultimate knife in my back was that as I was walking back to my car I noticed that Berengarius' car was covered with 6" of snow.

THE HEIFER HADN'T EVEN LEFT HIS FUCKING HOUSE IN 24 HOURS.

He wasn't only an "emotional retard". He was a complete coward.

It wasn't even 15 minutes later, before I had even walked back in my door that I got a call from Berengarius.
I didn't answer.

9:00am Saturday morning.

I texted Berengarius and asked him to please call me when he got up.
He called right away.

ME: "Look. This isn't working. We both know this isn't working."
BG: "I don't know what happened. You dropped stuff off at my house last night. It was awkward. The kids found it when they went out to smoke and I didn't know what to say. I had flowers and candy for you for Valentine's Day."
(Me, laughing derisively)
ME: "Reallllllly? Considering I didn't even HEAR from you about plans for your birthday and you never even MENTIONED Valentine's Day, I had no idea. Your bad I guess, since I cannot read your mind. But look, I told you in the beginning that both people being able to fall in love was a dealbreaker for me. And I just don't feel like it's going to happen for us. I don't want us to waste any more of our time."
AND DAMMIT I STARTED CRYING. DAMMIT IT ALL TO HELL!
BG:"I never said I couldn't fall in love, but if you're going to be so set in your ways..."
ME: "Maybe I am. But so are you. I don't feel like you let me in. I feel like you shut me out and I don't like it. I don't like feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around you now. This isn't who I am. I've been miserable."
BG: "Just be who you are. That's all I want. Just relax."
ME: "No. No Berengarius, whatever you want, it isn't me being me."
BG: "You're wrong. But you're set in your ways and I guess I can't change you're mind. I told you. I'm not like other men you've met online"
(Me snorting derisively again)
ME: "Berengarius, you're JUST like all the other men I've met online"

Then Berengarius hung up on me.
End of scene.

What was the most surprising to me about the fallout from the Berengarius months, was the lack of fallout I felt once it was finally over.
Clearly I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have. I'm sure intuitively I knew that Berengarius wasn't EVER going to fall in love with me. That he kinda was a cyborg.

Cuz here's what I've learned people...about myself...the moment, the VERY moment that I start Googling some disorder (narcissism, emotional unavailability, cheating, mirroring, attachment disorders, addiction, etc., etc. etc.) is the moment that my intuition is telling me that the chances that the man has some fucked up shit going on is better than 95%. 

That shit doesn't just fall out of the fucking sky.

And I'm a fairly smart cookie when I start thinking about stuff.

I knew that Berengarius wasn't going to get there with me, no matter how hard I tried or how long I stayed. But I stayed. Too long.
And I felt kinda stupid in the end.
And I wasted 6 months of my life on a total tool bucket.

Sigh.

But, I guess, in the end, I once again learned to stick up for myself, my heart and my self esteem.  And I give even less fucks now then I did before I met Berengarius. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, to be honest.
After all, my friends would probably back me up that the final month or so that I was with The Terminus I was pretty miserable; and that's not cool. I deserve better. Fuck it, we ALL deserve to be with someone who is going to love us for who we are. 

And if that person doesn't or won't love you...well then...
they can 
go fuck
themselves.

As far as Berengarius the Terminus went, well now, I didn't ever miss him. I didn't grieve him. Weird huh?
I figure that week or two after he lectured and came down so hard on me was my grieving period; so that when all was said and done, there really wasn't anything else to cry about, except what a giant asshole he was to me, trying to blame me for everything.
Yeah.
Right.
Good luck to you Berengarius. You're terminated fucker.

Whew. 

This one took me over a MONTH to write. I'm serious people. A MONTH. W.T.F. 
As always, I love your comments! We've ALL been there, so feel free to share, even if it's anonymously.
-Doozy