OMG...You're Such...A..D!ck.

You know, at first I thought there was something kinda special, and wierd about me because I got sent dick pics.
But no.
There isn't.
Turns out, there's just a whole metric shit ton of lunatics and weirdos out there in the online dating world.

The Tale of Schlongs Galore

I don't know if it's strange that I remember the first unsolicited dick pic I was sent. Seems bizarre to me. Especially since, of course, the man and I never went out on a date. This was way, way back when I first started dating...so sometime in 2010? I don't remember the guy's name or even his handle, but I was back on Match at the time. Ahhh...I was so naive, starry-eyed and optimistic back then.

So, let's call this first guy...Admiral Winky, since he was the first, so being an Admiral should be auspicious. Winky and I had started chatting through Match's online chat feature (which sucked by the way). I thought it was funny, if not trying a bit too hard, but back then I was willing to let that slide, so I was giving him a chance.

Remember, in 2010, my goal was to go on as many dates as possible.

Yeah, yeah not a good plan in hindsight.

Moving on.

So Winky. We had been chatting for a bit when he asked for a few more of pictures of me. I said sure and sent him a few through the Match email. Nothing racy or even halfway alluring, just normal snapshots. Winky replied with the semi-standard online male response:

"OMG! YOU ARE SO FUCKING HOT!"

I believe in miracles

Where you from?

You sexy thang..

Again, this was 2010, so back then I had NO idea what online dating was like, what the majority of men on these sites are like, or how to handle myself and so at first I ate up the skeezy compliments like free cheese at a wine tasting. CUZ, CHEESE PEOPLE.

It was then that Winky asked if he could send me some of his pics too.

"Sure!" I replied.

Cue the Jaws music

Duh.duh..Duh.duh...Duh.duh.Duh.duh.duh.duhduhuduhhuduhduh.

Imagine my shock when I opened the email and there were five Winky selfies standing in various stages of undress. The last pic was a big ol' close up of his tumescent dick.

Uh.

Now don't get me wrong, Winky wasn't a bad looking guy and he had a nice body. But I was completely shocked and freaked out. I didn't KNOW this guy at all. We hadn't even met. We had only been talking for an hour. Online.

What

The

Actual

Fuck.

I felt that adrenaline rush of when you're almost in a car crash and you get all shaky and your palms start sweating. And no, it wasn't that I was turned on or titillated. That was some freaky ass shit going down, and I was totally confused as to why some rando guy would be sending me a pic of his junk before I even knew him. Seriously. Why?

Winky was really excited to get my reaction to his pics. This was way back, back before I my ladyballs dropped, so I hemmed and hawed instead of just telling him he was a creep and to shove off. Then I quickly blocked him and got offline.

Early on in my dating career, I remember that my friend Megan and I were always so confused about why men DO this. I mean, really. Had this tactic EVER worked for a man who was sincerely looking for a partner?

I doubt it.

There was another time, shortly before I stopped dating, when a guy, let's call him, Dickweed, and I started chatting with on OKCupid. Dickweed and I were chatting about fifteen minutes and things were going fairly well, when Dickweed changed his profile picture on the chat to a dick pic.

FIFTEEN DAMN MINUTES.

ME: "Really? A dick pic so quick? That's unoriginal."

LOSER: "What are you talking about????"

ME: "Oh come on. If you're going to change your profile pic to your dick, at least fess up."

LOSER: "OMG! I don't know how that happened! I'm SO embarrassed! I'm so sorry.."

ME: "Uh-huh. Right"

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt for two more minutes when his picture changed back to his regular profile pict. Until, seconds later when another dick pic flashed up.

ME: "Seriously dude? You know there are websites where you can go to get all the sex you want, right?"

LOSER: "Shit. It happened again? I'm sorry"

ME: "So, not only are you a perv, but a liar too? Nice. Has this tactic ever worked for you?"

LOSER: "Hey! I'm just trying to have some fun. Lighten up."

ME: "Hey! I know...why don't you go fuck off."

Then I blocked his ass.

Clearly, by now I had found my ladyballs.

In fact, over the years, I had been sent enough nekkid body shots and dick pics that I could have sent them into Playgirl and maybe have gotten some type of commission. Maybe I should keep this in my back pocket as a second job idea?

EXCEPT

Not only had I not asked to see any of said penises, but frankly we weren't talking James Deen quality peen here. Not that I am a meat scepter connoisseur or anything, but I've seen my share of live trouser snakes in my day and in my travels of the world it's usually the men who DON'T have anything to prove who are the ones who AREN'T flashing pics of their junk to the world.

So, by the time I finally closed down my last online profile, if I had been sent an unsolicited body shot or flashed a dick pic it didn't even phase me. No more adrenaline rush. No more shock and awe. No more anger and resentment and feelings of somehow being violated because I wasn't asked if I wanted to see some weird dude's unimpressive hard-on.

Cuz here's the thing, anyone who knows me will cop to the fact that I'm so not a prude. Prudishness isn't what's going on here. It's the simple fact that in the online dating world usually it's much more common for men to quickly and without asking send out dick pics than it is for women to send pictures of their tits. I dunno, maybe most online men wouldn't be all that shocked or dismayed if a woman they were talking to sent them a tit pic.

But I suspect that most NORMAL men, who haven't become victims of their own online narcissism would be pretty skeeved out by it. Shit, most normal PEOPLE would be - male or female. Skeevy behavior isn't gender specific.

Because really, that's what we're talking about here - narcissism and delusion. And I have zero patience for that bullshit. In fact, every women I have ever talked to who has dated online has been sent a dick pic. And EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has been pissed off by it.

Trust me when I say this dudes...
It doesn't turn chicks on when you send them pictures of your purple headed soldier saluting at full attention. If anything it makes us judge you harshly for being such a self absorbed noob. Then we text the pictures to our friends and laugh.
Bitches be mean sometimes.

No. I'm really not joking.

Seriously.

"NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR BONER"

Unless there's already some p=v action going on, really...we don't give a shit about your dick. 

Thanks for reading and as always feel free to leave your comments. I love comments!

-Doozy

PS- Hat tip to Tricia for the use of "purple headed soldier". Nothing like a good dick joke.