How Doozy Got Her Mojito Back

Okay, okay, okay.
It's been awhile, I know. But, well the menz has been the last thing on my mind lately.
But man-o-man does an oncoming midlife crisis fuck with Doozy girl.

And causes me to LOSE HER MIND for a bit.
Stay with me here, cuz like I've said before, I can't make this shit up.

So, it was a week or so ago when I was sprawled on my sofa, bored and in a moment of abject weakness thought
"Sure Doozy, why not get back on a couple dating sites and see what's there?"

It isn't that I'm in ANY way interested in dating again  - oh no no no no - it's more...

well I don't know what it is. Being pathetic most likely? Boredom? 

BUT MOVING ON.

Okay, so I was on OKStupid for 24 hours. Not even joking. They even had my old profile FROM ONE YEAR AGO. I updated one picture, but didn't even do anything else, cuz why the fuck would I?

L

A

Z

Y

And you know what? The same damn men are still on the site. And the same damn men messaged me with the usual

"Hey"

"Sup"

"Hi :-)"

 Now, my old OKStupid profile was a well written, detailed profile, and that's all I got?
DELETE.

Then I switched over to PlentyOfDooshes. Cuz = reasons. But this time I've kept my new profile short and sweet. Cuz = lazy. So far, I've had 87 men pop up as "wanting to meet me" and 6 message me - one of which has the name of "HARDCOK4U"

You know, online dating is a lot like reading license plates sometimes. Some of the names people give themselves takes some deciphering. Reading "HARDCOK4YOU", at first I was all "Oooh neat, he's a fan of Coke. Coke is yummy, maybe he even like Diet Coke or Cherry Coke too."
"Ohhhh. Wait. Right. I get it now. Derp."

Hooked on Phonics.
WORKING FOR ME!

In my extensive dating experience (but not in the skanky way..we've been over this. I dated, but didn't sleep with the overwhelming number of men I met), the men who blather on about their cocks usually are packing baby carrots. Hard sure, but sorta like a hot dog in a hallway, ya know?

MOVING ON

So PlentyofDooshes. Let's just take a quick gander what this website wants to hook me up with shall we?

FOR FUCK SAKES.

Our first eligible bachelor looks like a barrel of fun, doesn't he? I mean, what sweet, fun-loving girl wouldn't want to go out with THIS guy? Maybe a nice first date sorting his recycling or going over his colonoscopy results....

NEXT UP
SO
MANY
FUCKING
MOTORCYCLES
ON
DATING
SITES.
Seriously. Give is a goddamn rest dudes.

THIS GUY.
I...I...

3 things here.
1). A FROSTED, fucking fauxhawk? The 90's called, they want their hair back.
2). Mirrored sunglasses. For fuck sakes.
3). Throwing up the deuces sign. Christ.

EYE OF THE TIGER!

COME AT ME ESE.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
Um. Okay. I really like cars, but..uh..who wants to date a Range Rover? No matter what the horsepower? Wait.. Maybe HARDCOK4U?
FREAK.

I have so, so, so many more of these gems that I'll be sharing with y'all in the coming weeks. I haven't even scratched the surface.

OH OH OH OH...and get this! This is some classic TROLL LEVEL 9 SHIT.

Some dude wrote on his profile that he has herpes
H
E
R
P
E
S
Yes, let that sink in, I'll wait.
Okay, fuck it, times up. So yeah, dude has the crusties it was his opening line - not even damn kidding you. Guess there's something to be said for putting it all out there. But actually the rest of his profile was decent, so I said "Fuck it - why not?" and I messaged him.

And he didn't respond.

I didn't even get a response back from a dude with the Herp.

Classic Doozy.

I rolled with it and it didn't even phase me, cuz here's the thing..I don't want to date any of these men. The chances of ANY of these specimens being anything other than what I've encountered before is astonishingly small. And frankly, it would take a spectacular dude to convince me to STOP being single at this point.

AND I DON'T THINK THAT MAN EXISTS.

I mean, he exists, but he's either married or gay.

So yeah, for the time being I'm just over here eating a sammich and nursing my mojito.

All the sammiches guarantees that I don't look like THIS when I dance in my undies.