Who Let The Dogs Out?

Y'all thought I was gonna post the video, didn't ya?
PSYCHE
Nope. Not gonna do it.

But, you know, people sometimes ask me, especially after reading this blog, if I hate men. I mean, it would make sense, right? Date, after failed date. Douche, after epic douche. It starts to wear on a girl and would lead her to...oh...say...start buying LOTS of accessories for her vibrator.
But no.
I actually, still really love men - and I know many good, decent ones. I just really don't like the way a lot of them think about, and treat women in the dating world.
And in general, a lot of single men leave a lot to be desired for us single ladies...and I didn't have a long list of wants in a man. Honestly, I would still like a man in my life, if a decent one ever presented himself.

But, you know, I guess you could say a lot of single dudes are kinda dogs.

The Tale of Mr. Snuffles

Oh. Mr. Snuffles. What to say?
Mr. Snuffles was a Plenty of Fish guy, so this was, I dunno some time last Spring? He had an interesting, if generic profile. Liked sushi, had a motorcycle, enjoyed traveling (what guy in his 40's doesn't fucking like these things these days?) and didn't seem like he had a stick up his ass.

Seriously. If I had ever found a man who, say, loved green beans, soccer and Star Wars then I would have been impressed. Shit, at least he would have stood out from the pack, been different, unique...interesting.

But I digress...

Anyhoozles, Mr. Snuffles was pretty good looking. Okay, let me honest here; he was really good looking. So, I'm decent to look at, but Mr. Snuffles was like model hot. Way, way out of my league, so I was instantly suspicious when he messaged me. In my travels in the dating world, hot people hook up with other hot people and leave us normals to themselves; it's just the way it goes. And that makes perfect sense if you think about it. 

Regardless, Mr. Snuffles was affable enough and he had loads of pictures of himself with his dog - Ajax. Now, if I have two weaknesses in my life besides Nutella and the Internet, it's kids and animals so I admit I was softened by the cute dog. Plus Ajax was a big dog not some rat dog that you put in a purse, or in Mr. Snuffle's case - man's bag. No, Ajax was some sort of "designer breed"; like a Labrapuccinodoodlepugglespresso with nutmeg sprinkles kind of dog. Very cute and goofy looking, and he complemented Mr. Snuffles Ralph Lauren lifestyle to a tee.

It wasn't very long before Mr. Snuffles and I set up a date at a local dog park. It was early Spring, so there was still a bit of snow on the ground, I remember that - but no Uggs this time around.
"I'll bring the coffee and we can play with dogs while we get to know each other!" Mr. Snuffles announced charmingly. Even with my suspicions, I am chick enough to admit that I was swayed by the handsome face, the dog and the lure of good coffee on a Saturday afternoon.
Hey, we all have out vices.
DON'T JUDGE.
I love nutmeg.

Moving on...

So, you know how you have this idea in your head and you really hope that you're just being paranoid, but everything will still at least be okay?
Yeah.
This wasn't one of those times.

Oh Mr. Snuffles looked just like his picture. Gorgeous, tall, fit, like something out of a magazine. I immediately felt frumpy in my hiking boots (the ground was super slushy and we were at a dog park) and inadequately..bland, something I don't normally feel like.

WHY THE FUCK WOULD A GUY LIKE THAT ASK SOMEONE LIKE ME OUT?

Seriously. He could have any hot chick he wanted.
Why me?
Mr. Snuffles didn't seem particularly deep on the mental scale, so I doubted that it was my brains. I don't ride motorcycles, I don't like sushi and I haven't been around the world, so cross those of the list. Besides our love of animals, we didn't seem to have a lot checked off our mutual interests list.
Was I being trolled here?

Times like that, my cynicism and insecurities just roared to life and pissed me off. I shook them off as best I could, slapped on a winning, lip glossed smile and trotted along. I could see Ajax running with the other dogs ahead of us, already wet and muddy from the semi-thawed ground.

Mr. Snuffles and I chatted and laughed while we walked and drank our coffee. He was as flirtatious as I was cautious. I have to admit, he was charming.

But then it was Ajax's turn. He bounded up to us and full speed jumped up on me, all 90 or so pounds of wet, muddy, slobbery designer dog, front paws - right on my tits.

FUCKING AWESOME.

I stumbled back against the weight, dropped my coffee and recall making some vague sound like:
"Blarchshiteolee!!"
Mr. Snuffles laughed while I pushed Ajax off me and tried wiping muddy paw prints off my coat.
"No Ajax..." He said half-assedly while laughing.
"Yeah. No Ajax..." I grumbled, while looking longingly at my destroyed and forlorn coffee soaking into the mud.
Oh ho ho! But Ajax, the asshole and apparently untrained dog wasn't quite done yet. 
No no. 
"Sorry about that. He gets excited when meeting new people." Mr. Snuffles put on a contrite face, and something told me he'd practiced that look in the mirror. I side-eyed him.

"Yeah, I can see that." I went from feeling frumpy to grumpy at this point, and we were a fair walk from our cars, and deep into the park.
"I should probably go. My coat and all..." I added.
"Sure. Yeah. Of course."
As we turned to go Ajax bounded up to us and just shoved his nose right up into my crotch, his nose just sniffing all up in into my jeans like one of those she-she pigs looking for truffles. Interestingly, I've never thought of my vagina like truffles; considering truffles are mushrooms - even fancy mushrooms. Hmmm..I'll never think of "truffle oil" quite the same way.

Moving on...

I frantically shoved Ajax away.
"No Ajax!"
But the fucking dog just got right all up in my cooter again, and I shoved his nose away and started walking. Mr. Snuffles just laughed hysterically.

"Hey, if you want me to replace Ajax anytime down there, just let me know." He chuckled suggestively.
I stopped and turned around to face Mr. Snuffles, my mouth had to have been slightly open in shock, my eyebrow arched derisively.

SO THIS IS HOW IT WAS. 
GO FUCK YOURSELF.

"You're dog...is...an...asshole, dickwad." The ground could have re-froze from the ice in my voice.
I swung on my heel and stalked away. For once that afternoon, Mr. Snuffles wasn't laughing.
Dog training is a thing.

Okay, okay OKAY. I caved. But come on, who doesn't want to take a walk back into the 90's? Nice shirt, and check out those moves!