We're Gonna Rock Down To...

 

The time has come. The darkest hour.
Yes, yes. I know. Y'all weep with a combination of joy and consternation.
So, settle in children while I tell you a story. The story.
Of the time I had a meet-up in an Electric Company Truck.

The Tale of Sparky Faraday

Oh well fuck it all.
You know, I don't even remember this rando dude's real name. It was probably Squardo or something. It was a vague and strange time for me; and honestly, looking back I shouldn't have been dating. I was fresh into the deep, deep heartbreak of Hipster Pinocchio and raring to prove that I was good to go, a strong independent woman who "wasn't going to let no man keep me down!" When in reality, that was the farthest thing from the truth. I was a goddamn mess. Grief does janky things to people.

But I digress...

You have to understand...no fucking scratch that. There was no understanding whatever delusional world I was surfing in while I was talking to Sparky. He worked for our local Electric Company, so he was in his truck a lot. And through our texting I learned that he was working on lines near my work. And so in the ways of many of my weird dates/meetups/freakshow-that-was-my-dating-career, Sparky suggested that instead of meeting for a normal human lunch, we just...you know..meet at his truck instead.

Oh well fuck it all.
Wait.
Just let that sink in there for a minute. Yes, yes..just let the force flow through you...

Yep. Sparky wanted to have a meetup with me in his truck a couple blocks away from my work.
Sigh.
I....I don't even know what to say after this.
It was definitely a low point in my dating career. Okay, maybe a couple steps up from the Crab dude in the grocery store, and maybe even to catching an STD from a guy wearing skinny jeans - but not by much.

I WAS GRIEVING
Oh well fuck it all.

Anyhoozles, at the time I was looking for any type of male validation (remember, not a healthy head space), so I was all
"Tee hee! Sure! That sounds like a new and exciting experience."
NOT
"What the fucking fuck is wrong with you? You lunatic. What makes you think I would want to meet you in your stinky electric company truck? Weirdo."

I remember it was still cold and there was still snow on the ground because I had my Uggs on. You know, it's hard to look alluring while wearing Uggs. Let this be a lesson ladies, it doesn't matter if your Uggs are covered in sequins or fucking glitter, you still walk like Chewbacca and look like you have tree stumps on your feet. Not sexy. Pro tip...

Moving on...

I sat in my car in a CHURCH parking lot; (irony is my friend a lot in my life) with the heat blasting, distantly thinking that this was a stupid way to spend a lunch break. Second only to maybe if Sparky had taken me to a Chucke E Cheese for a lunch date. But hey, at least at a C.C. I could have competed for valuable cash and prize tokens for...like a ring pop or something. Regardless, as Sparky lumbered up in his big ol' truck, I was instantly nervous.

By now, y'all have realized that I've made really bad choices in men before, right?
Yep. Me too.
I'm working on it.

Let's see...how to describe Sparky? Well, like 85% of the online dating men I met, his real life person didn't look much like his pictures. In his pictures he looked, taller. In real life, I towered over him by a good four inches and outweighed him by a good fifty pounds - and I'm not in the heavyweight category. But man, Sparky was wiry, and fidgety. Maybe it was just nerves, but he reminded me of this guy:

It was frigid outside so we climbed into his truck to keep warm. I kept my hand on my phone the whole time, just in case something went wonky, but I got the feeling that Sparky was way, way more nervous than I was, plus I also got the vibe that I could totally kick his ass.

The smell of stale cigarette smoke assaulted my nose the second I got into the truck. Totally fucking knarly. Second, there were papers, invoices, and crumpled up McD's bags littering the cab. It was a hoarder's Barbie Dream Truck. And super disgusting.

Oh well fuck it all.

So, unless you're from the Planet Zweeto, you've probably picked up by now that this meetup/date/thing/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit was going down in flames faster than a jackrabbit being chased by a coyote. Our conversation was super stilted, massively awkward, and the smell in the truck was...have you ever smelled a combination of sweaty goat balls mixed with an ashtray? Well, me neither; but I suspect it smelled like Sparky's truck.

Glugh.

After breezing through all the standard date questions at fucking warp speed, I pulled my phone out of my coat pocket, glanced at the time; and realized it had been twenty minutes.

"Wow. Look at the time. I've got a thing with a guy in a place about a horse. Ha Haaa.ahem."

I climbed out of that truck so fast and breathed in the cold, fresh air so fast I coughed. Thanked Sparky for meeting, shook his hand and scooted on my way.

It was on my way back to work, when I burst into tears and had to take a slight detour down a sidestreet to fix my make-up and calm my shit that I then realized that it was a dipshit move for me to be out in the dating world when I was clearly so fucked in the head about a man. I needed Doozy time. I needed time to heal and get my heart straightened out. I needed to properly grieve and move on before I could ever be ready to get out and have a chance of meeting someone else. So that's what I did. Took a break from penises and got my shit figured out - well I at least got over Pinocchio.

I checked my eyeliner in my rearview mirror and went back to work.

An Electric Company Truck.
Are you fucking kidding me?