Tales From The Crypt

For those of you that like your colons cleaned out, buckle up.
Shit's getting real.

Cuz today on The Doozy Chronicles, we are looking at some of the highlight reels of messages I've received in the last couple weeks from my online dating travels through weirdspace.
And just you wait peoples - this is just the beginning.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT - PT.1

Let me preface this by saying that most of these I don't answer. There's really no point, since I feel like 99.5% of men (and probably women too, but I'm not dating the wimmenz) are like this about online dating:

See ball (women)
Get really excited about ball
Jump in a big pile of leaves looking for ball
Or another ball
Any ball
Or your balls
It's a toss up

So, I'll start you out small, with the easiest ones, and we'll work our way up, shall we?

Now. Here's Louis13B.
He was nice looking, in my age range, really okay. Except for one - major - glaring - issue.

HE LIVED SIX STATES AWAY.

For shit sakes, what do guys do? Just set their search parameters for "somewhere in this solar system" and see who bites? 
DOES THIS GET THEM CHICKS?

Okay.
"Oh My" could be taken several different ways without any context.
"Oh My, I think you're beautiful."
"Oh My, what the fuck is wrong with your hair?"
"Oh My, I just ran over my neighbor lady's cat."
"Oh My, I'm not wearing any pants and sitting in bathtub full of banana pudding. Please pet my pee pee."

So. Yeah. I'm not going answer some rando dude on the internets who just says "Oh My."

Who does this? Well, besides Aman?
Who just bolts out of the gate, no info, no introduction and is all
"OH-MY-GOD-I-WANNA-MEET-YOU-FOR-DRINKS.LET'S-GO-MEET-FOR-SOME-DRINKS.YOU'RE-PRETTY.PET-MY-PEE-PEE."

Granted, that's not necessarily what's going on here, but in my sorted dating history, usually when a guy is lifting his leg in his best "HE'S GOT A LITTLE CAPTAIN IN HIM" stance so that his testicles are best showed off - metaphorically speaking; and just asks me out for a drink, without at least chatting me up a bit?
The dude wants some snatch.

OKAY PEOPLES.
Now we're getting to the semi-coherent lunatic portion of our show.

So, I have to preface that at this point all my fucks have been used up. And a few of these I've responded to in a purely trolling fashion.
BECAUSE. THAT'S WHY.
HERE WE GO

First off, I hate, hate HATE the endearment "Dear". It just feels patronizing and condescending. So, strike one for Am Leonard there. But also, who starts a convo with that? That would be like me going up to a guy in a bar and saying:
"Hi Big-Dicked Rick. Buy me a drink?"
Okay, maybe a bad example, because most guys would probably LOVE that, BUT STILL...

 

I.
Um.
Uh.
Tap dancing Christ on a cracker.


This next one falls into the:

 Category.

For the record, Junior here is 28. 
BLERGHSLSKDFJ.
That's 10 years older than my son.
BLARCHERSLDFLJS
Okay. I'm better now. I'm all cleaned up.

I'M PRETTY SURE THESE FUCKWIDGETS AREN'T READING MY PROFILE




And now a special, moronic level of weird. And not a good kind of weird. Like when you end up on your neighbor's lawn on a Sunday morning with an unidentified tricycle wearing a cow costume. No. 
This.
Is.
Special

WHAT.
THE.
ACTUAL.
FUCK.
IS.
GOING.
ON.
HERE.

I.I....I don't even. What's up with.all.the.periods? Did 4707 have some sort of existential meltdown in the middle of writing that message? Was he suddenly channeling James T. Kirk, circa 1966?
And the text speak. Listen up people. Cell phones have been around for a really fucking long time. ALL of them have autocorrect and ALL of them have predictive text now. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WRITE LIKE SOME ILLITERATE WOMBAT.
Actually, that's mean to wombats. I'm betting they have a higher IQ than 4707.
Or, maybe he was baked as shit, after huffing the fumes from an old can of Pam cooking spray in his pantry.
It's a toss up.

And finally, we have Lance.
Oh Lance, you sneaky Devil, you.
I actually responded to Lance, as you'll see below. We had a nice chat.

Okay. So, perhaps I didn't handle that in the best way?

NO.
FUCK IT.

What kind of douchebarge goes onto a girl's dating profile to give her flack about preferences she specifically put into her profile; namely THIS DIRECT QUOTE FROM MY PROFILE:
"if you're a racist, sexist, homophobic, bible thumping/ conservative guy, I'm not the girl for you and I wish you the best of luck on your search"
and expect to get anywhere?
Why do that?
Because he's an asshole, that's why. Thus, proving the whole goddamn point of why I put the preference in there in the fucking first place.
Plus, the dude was from fucking COLORADO. What? Did they run out of women in the Rocky Mountain state?

Seriously.
FOR FUCK SAKES.
That would be like me going onto the 2 million dating profiles of men who now run triathlons and arguing with them about it, because I don't do that. 
It would just be me being an asshole.
NO BUENO.

It's all cool though. It's all good. At this point, all I can do is shake my head and let it roll.
It's like I tell my girlfriends. I may not be dateable, but it makes for good comedy.