Eh.
It's the holiday season you filthy animals.
Merry-Christmashaunakwanzka and Festivus for the rest of us too.
Meh. I haven't been feeling very Doozy lately, but Tricia has been poking me to write again. So here we go.
I'm pulling this one waaaayyy out of the Doozy Chronicles. A Ghost of Doozy Past as it were.
Enjoy ya wee bastards.
THE TALE OF THE VERY SHINY REVEREND, REVEREND PAISLEY
Yep. You read that right.
SHINY.
As in tight and well, shiny. I don't even know people.
Let me splain'...
This was awhile ago. I dunno, maybe 2012 - early 2013 in the fallout of Pinocchio? I'm fuzzy on the exact date, and well, you'll see why. It was a period of time when I was filling up my dating time with many, many dates and they just started blending together into one big FAIL.
I TRY TO BLOCK THIS SHIT OUT PEOPLE.
Moving on.
So, I was on one of the stupid sites; let's say OKCupid, because I particularly despise the douches on the site. I got a notification on my phone that I had gotten a message on the OKC app.
OOOH! I got a message. Someone liked me.
I mean. Wow. Hallelujah.
I checked the app and there was a very nicely written message from Paisley. He used good grammar, complete sentences and didn't mention anything about sex. Paisley complimented me on my sense of humor and well written profile. He thought I was pretty. I was intrigued to say the least, so I cruised over to look at his profile.
Hmmm. What to say?
Paisley had a bland profile, he was a doughy sort of accountant looking type of man. Different from the usual douchebro you see on OKC who posts endless pictures of himself and his "dudes" at the Cancun beach bar, or posing on top of Kilimanjaro. No, no Paisley didn't have any of those pictures. The most "adventurous" picture was one of him posing next to a Somali looking teenager in a soccer uniform. Plus, Paisley talked a lot about his FOUR cats.
FOUR FUCKING CATS.
Okay, let's just stop right there. I have a cat. I've had two cats at one time. But I think we can all come to a general consensus that any single man or woman who has more than three animals - whatever they are..is...unusual, bordering on red fucking flag weird. Right?
K. That had had to be said.
Moving on.
So yeah, Paisley's profile looked innocuous. He looked..mostly harmless. And I responded back to his message with my own thoughtfully worded reply.
Paisley responded immediately.
Uh.
Okay.
My spidey senses were up at this point because it's unusual these days that anyone sits by the phone in the middle of the day waiting for a response to an online dating message...but...okay. Plus, you have to remember - back in 2012-2013, I was still giving ALL men a chance. *SNORT*, yeah, yeah...I know, not my most brilliant move ever, but I was on a mission. Remember the Crab dude? And the Electric Company man?
FOR FUCK SAKES DOOZY.
Anyhoozles, Paisley and I chatted back and forth for only a little while before he wanted to meetup. Frankly, I didn't find anything overwhelming attractive about him, but looks aren't necessarily my main motivator, so I said sure. Paisley seemed...decent. He was polite, seemed educated, if not a bit on the boring side but I was willing to at least meet Paisley in person to give it a go.
Paisley insisted on meeting at the Zoo, because he loved to watch the animals - even though it was the middle of winter. I remember that.
Fuck it.
I wore my Uggs.
We don't screw around with winters where I live. And my lady bits weren't talking enough to my brain about Paisley to make me change into girly shoes.
Now, I've had several dates at the zoo. We happen to have a lovely zoo in my city, and it's a nice place to have a date.
BUT IN THE SUMMERTIME BITCHES.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
Anyhoozles, I shuffled into the Zoo and huddled by the door while I waited for Paisley to arrive. Finally, he scurried around the corner, breathless and sweaty. And...shiny.
Yes.
SHINY.
FOR FUCK SAKES.
I mean, his face was shiny and sort of waxy looking. The way you imagine a freshly opened Ken Doll to look, only Paisley didn't have the Ken Doll looks.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
At the time I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was (besides the shininess) about Paisley's face that was slightly off-putting. He just looked...not right.
Intoductions were a wee bit awkward, mostly because I SO wanted to lean real close and be all
"DUDE, WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR SHINY FACE?"
But, of course I didn't. But I really kept wanted to
stare.
It didn't take long for Paisley to realize just how mind-numbingly cold it was outside, and that all the rational animals were in their warm little houses. And I think that made him more nervous.
Paisley seemed very nervous, and I felt kinda bad for him.
So we walked around the reptile house, and went to see the dolphins; looked at the tropical birds. Paisley chatted about how he took a trip to Africa and helped a village dig a well. He talked A LOT about his four cats. Paisley talked a lot about how much he liked kids, how much he really hoped to have kids, even though he was 48ish. Paisley talked.
A lot.
Eventually, Paisley and I ended up on the Zoo monorail that ringed the park.
And this, peoples is when shit GOT REAL.
HOLY
SHITBALLS.
I was looking out the window for any glimpse of a living animal, with none to be had, when Paisley grasped my gloved hand; causing me to jump.
"Doozy" (I'm paraphrasing a bit, I don't remember every single word, but this is fairly close to the convo) "I'm having such a good time. I can't believe a woman as beautiful as you would agree to go out with me."
"Thank you for the compliment. I'm having a nice time too." I replied, trying to extricate my hand, but damn that man had a tight grip.
"I feel we have such a connection."
Uh.
"Tell me Doozy. How would you feel dating a man of God?"
"Uhhhh....um. I don't know. That one hasn't ever come up before." I laughed to cover my sudden panic. "That would be a new one for me. Are you a minister Paisley?"
Paisley smiled broadly but the smile didn't reach his eyes and I could have sworn he puffed out his chest a bit. "I'm a youth minister at my church and I attend every Sunday. I'm very active to God. Do you go to Church Doozy?"
"No, I don't. I wasn't raised with any affiliation one way or another; but I'm cool with whatever anyone practices, as long as they don't get all up in my grill about it."
Paisley patted my hand in a way that felt oh so slightly condescending.
"That's okay. You can attend with me some Sunday. You'll like it. The other women there are very nice."
I arched an eyebrow.
"Thank you, but that's not necessary. I tried attending church years ago when my son was little and discovered it wasn't for me."
"No, you'll like, I promise. We have a rock band and a younger minister and everything. It's geared towards younger people now."
"No thank you. That's something that you are welcome to continue doing on your own. But it is nice of you to think of including me."
Paisley frowned at me in confusion.
"But...but...I don't understand. A devout Christian could never date outside of their faith. The Bible says that it just isn't done."
"Yes, I see your problem. That must be hard for you."
"It is! You have no idea how hard it is to find a good woman. There are so many women out there now that just flaunts their bodies and sexiness. The world is so Godless now; no faith anymore. Everyone just sleeping around. Failed marriages, homosexuals, women having sex all the time, babies born out of wedlock, women working outside the home. I mean look at how messed up our kids are now. None of this happened before women started with all this feminism stuff. Jesus would weep."
"Ahem. Excuse me, but whom exactly are all these harlot women "sleeping" around with? Fornicating with? Last I check two chicks couldn't knock each other up. That would be MEN dude. And GOD forbid that a woman have her own money, her own brain and not just be owned by her husband. Yes, yes..Jesus would surely weep..." I could see that the monorail was coming into the station; and it was a good thing too. I was very close to wanting to punch The Very Shiny Reverend Reverend Paisley in the nutsack.
FUCKING HYPOCRITE.
Paisley seemed to see that he had pissed me off because he jumped up when I abruptly stood up before the train had even come to a complete stop. I rushed out of the train, blasted by the freezing air and hustled back into the main zoo building, Paisley schlumping behind me like a dejected turtle.
As I neared the main door I stopped and whirled around so quickly that Paisley almost ran into me.
"It was an interesting afternoon. Take care."
"I take it there won't be a second date?" It was then that I noticed that only the lower half of Paisley's face moved.
TOTAL
WEIRDO.
"No. After all a devout Christian man like yourself can't be seen with a loose, fornicating woman such as myself." As I turned to leave I could hear Paisley saying "But I didn't mean it like that!"
Okay.
See, here's the thing. As a non-religious person I don't give a rat's ass what anyone believes. You worship pasta? Hey knock yourself out dude. But don't go shoving your rigatoni beliefs down my throat.
Okay, well maybe I'd be down with the Pastafarians, but only because pasta is so goddamn tasty. However I'm not into fanatics on any side, I don't care what you're preaching.
And what in the holy hell was the Very Reverend Reverend Paisley doing trolling for good Christian women on a debauched site like OK-fucking-Cupid? Seriously dude. Time to rethink the strategy or make a collect call upstairs to the big guy for some one-on-one time, because you chose the wrong place to find a "devout" woman.
Meh...whatevs.
I shook The Very Shiny Reverend Reverend Paisley off to just another whack job on the Internets. And at least Paisley didn't hate message me after I told him to shove off, I have a small amount of respect for him about that. Still, for a day or two afterward I was curious about Paisley's shiny, shiny face.
I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.
But turns out that Google does. And a tight, shiny face is often the side-effect of Botox.
No, no. It's unkind of me to snicker at the potential that Paisley had a wee bit of work done. Especially, when he seemed to have some maybe a bit of erm, disrespect for women? Just a skosh? Perhaps a pinch?
Who knows maybe Paisley wanted to look bright and new for his youth group. Maybe his BDSM Dom wanted to try out a new sex dungeon or it's possible that his Neo-Nazi Camp Leader was having a group photo taken at Easter Camp and Paisley wanted to look his best. I don't fucking know.
What I DO know, however, is that in my travels around the online dating world, the men that I ran into that were the most insecure were also the most hypocritical.
Religion or no religion.
But hey, I hope the Very Shiny Reverend Reverend Paisley found his Sister Wife out there in online-land and they are living a very happy life together.
For the rest of us, here's Key & Peele doing 80's Jazzercise.
Ya filthy animals. I love ya.
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