Yeah. I know. This will come as a shock to y'all. It came a shock to me as well. This Doozy.
Sort of like when it's a Sunday night and you realize you've eaten nothing but pudding cups and Cheez-its all weekend. Not saying I have, mind you...I'm just asking for a friend.
But it's that kind of:
HOLY FUCKBALLS, WHAT THE FUCK.
So. That happened.
Kind of Doozy surprise.
The Tale of Vince Clortho, aka The Keymaster.
Well, here we go.
This Doozy happened awhile ago, so the minute details a bit fuzzy. But man, the BIG WHOPPING details still hang there, like bad gas in an elevator.
Holy shit.
So Vince. We met on one of the sites - I don't remember, but let's say OKCupid, because I have a particular sore spot for the douches there. I was just coming off of a resting period from dating, and feeling pretty raring to get back into the dating world.
Annnd, was that my first mistake.
Vince had a decent profile, okay pictures and nothing jumped out at me as being particularly psychopathic.
Clearly, my time off had weakened my game.
Oh, Vince and I did the usual play-by-play. We chatted online, then by text; then some casual flirting, yadda yadda. Vince very quickly asked me out for Greek food. I loves me some tzatziki as much as the next girl, so I said sure.
Okay.
The first thing I noticed about Vince was that he was a giant. No really.
I'm pretty tall - 5'9", but Vince had to have been 6'5" and built like a damn redwood tree. The man towered over me. It isn't often in this state that I have to look UP at men, but Holy mother on a motor scooter, he was like Lothar of the Hill People, and he was heavy on the cologne.
Actually
Heavy is an understatement
Dude could knock out radio transmissions from Mars by his Eau du Moi scent alone.
But here's where it got good. And I don't mean good in a GOOD way; I mean good in a
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK...
Kind of way.
Vince and I asked each other the standard first date questions:
"How many kids?"
"What do you do for a living?"
"Are you from here?"
Yadda yadda yadda...
and Vince didn't seem like a lunatic until I asked;
"So, how long have you been single?"
OH
MY
GOD
THIS CHICK IS TOAST!
There I was, munching away on my Greek salad with a delicious vinaigrette dressing when Vince just started going OFF about his SOON-TO-BE ex-wife.
Yep.
Dude was still "technically" (his words, not mine) married.
Separated.
"Really. How long have you been separated?" I asked, popping a cucumber into my mouth.
"Two months."
I choked on my cucumber.
"Two months?! And you're dating already?! Two. Months."
"Yeah. All the bitch wants is my money at this point. I own my own company you know."
Well now. What a special snowflake you are, buttercup.
And so it began.
Over the course of the next hour or so, while the salads came and went; then our main courses came Vince sat there and railed against his ex. I mean - railed. Broke every first date rule regarding speaking about your ex. Called her many names, accused her of cheating on him many times and sounded very, very bitter.
Every time I tried steering the conversation back toward something more neutral...like, oh say, politics or religion or gay marriage, Vince just went right back there.
"See..ahhhh...my fucking ex just wants...ahhhh..the $5,000 a month in child support that I'm ahhhh...giving her.ahhhh. Greedy cunt." (dude had like FIVE kids or something. FIVE).
So, have you ever had an encounter with someone, in any capacity and that person has something about them that just drives you batshit insane? I dunno, it can be anything...having a sex dungeon or being a member of the Tea Party or in Vince's case talking with these long, staccato speech pauses of "ahhhhh". Seriously. Get to your point already.
Although, you know, I once got feedback from a guy after a first date who said that he wouldn't go on a second date with me because he didn't like the way I held my knife and fork. Hey, I'm left-handed, so we do everything backwards. It's the reason I can't dance and I walk into walls.
So whatevs. But at least I don't go "ahhhhh" when I talk, thus sounding like a slackjawed moron.
What the fucking fuck dude.
Anyhoozles.
It wasn't very long before I began feeling like Vince's ex was be glad she was free of this guy and she should be asking for $8,000. Hey, it sounded like the guy had the money, judging from how he was bragging about his wad of cash and prizes. I'm an empathetic chick, but nothing makes my empathy fly out the damn window more than arrogance. And holy shitballs in a crockpot did Vince have arrogance in spades.
At one point Vince actually leaned over the table conspiratorially and said to me;
"Do you have..ahhhhh...any idea how many women...ahhhh...would be thrilled to be with a guy...ahhhh like me? Someone who could...ahhhh...take care of them?"
As was becoming standard in my dates, I raised an eyebrow and leaned back in the booth, crossing my arms.
"Actually no I don't. I don't hang out with the Sugar Daddy crowd."
"Uh-huh. Ahhhh....a lot. I can tell you that since I left my bitchy ex...ahhhh... I've been hooking up with so many women. It's insane out here. And hot...ahhhh...chicks...like you. Uh-ahhh."
AND SCENE.
It was at that point that I was scooted waaaaay over to the far end of the booth, my ass almost hanging off the end.
"Wow." Checking my phone. "Look at that, it's a text from my son" It was a a text from my weather app. "Oh no. it looks like he needs me to go pick him up early from his friend's house. Thank you for dinner. K. Bye."
YOU DOUCHEBAG.
I hustled my ass out of that place before the bill was even paid and didn't look back. Holy spanakopita Vince Clortho was one bitter, angry dude. Good luck with that sport.
And of course, y'all know how this is going to end up, right? Yep, you called it.
Of course. OF FUCKING COURSE, Vince texted me the next goddamn day asking if I wanted to go out again.
I clearly had a sign on my forehead that said:
"CRAZY MEN SIGN UP HERE"
I texted back the usual, "thanks, but there wasn't any spark"
Y'all wanna guess what Vince's response was?
Go on
Take one guess....
I'll wait.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Fine. But you're missing out. Greedy cunt."
The even BETTER part, the absolute BEST part of this story - by FAR, is that Vince Clortho, the Keymaster and God of the Underworld now for some reason shows up on my Facebook "People you might know" page..along with about a dozen other men I went on first dates with. Creepy.
And he's wearing a plaid fedora at a jaunty angle.
Wannabe Hipster douchebag.
