WHAMMO!
Outta no where comes a memory of a doozy date from years ago that I had completely forgotten about.
What
The
Holy
Hell?
I mean, we live for this shit now. Okay, so this date wasn't as good as the Crab dude in the grocery store, but it does involve seafood, so there's a connection...
Stay with me here.
The Tale of Long Dong Silver
Ahhhh...yes. Let me take you way back to the halcyon days of 2011 maybe? Like I said, it's a wee bit fuzzy. Come on people, gimme a break, I'm into the TRIPLE DIGITS with dating the penisfolk now.
Anyhoozle, I'm sure it was a weekend night because my son was at his dad's house and I was relaxing at home, and par the course, on some silly dating site...let's say Match, when up pops Long Dong Silver on the chat.
Mr. Dong Silver talked me up pretty good. Whipping out all the best liners, and back then it affected me much more than it does now. Oh, it still works but back then I was turned into a big puddle of goo.
GOO I SAY. GOOOOOO
And okay, Dong was pretty cute too.
It was after forty-five minutes or so on chat, that Dong finally asked what I was up to that night.
ME: "Not much. I'm kidless tonight, so I'm just chillin'."
DONG: "You're all alone? Well shit! Why didn't you say so earlier? I've been wasting all this time here, when we could have been having a drink. Why don't you meet me at Crave in an hour?"
Okay. So three or so years ago, I would have found a man saying something like that to me charming, instead of telling him "Fuck off you wanker." So of course, I gave myself a ho bath, slapped on the war paint and raced across town to a trendy restaurant.
I was back then, and still sometimes am, an idiot.
Moving on
Memory is a fantastic thing. First off, I remember now that Dong was wearing plaid shorts. I'm not even making this up.
PLAID.FUCKING.SHORTS.
Just stop right there.
What man over the age of oh...say...four, who ISN'T a Ralph Lauren model wears plaid shorts on a date? Well, Long Dong Silver apparently. But I mean in real life? This world? That the rest of us live in? Criminy.
And a ball cap of some sort. I remember that now because he made some crack about how he was going bald so he shaved his head and that was why he wore the cap. I told him that I happened to find shaved heads sexy (I still do).
He kept the cap on.
Douche.
Well, there was your first problem Doozy. You were having drinks with a forty year old golf caddy.
Moving on
We decided to stay and have something to eat, because it was like 8 pm, which was good because I was starving.
Now, here's the thing I've always found really weird about the online dating men. And I'm totally serious here. After all the years I was online and all the profiles I looked at, I could almost write a damn template for 85% of the men online, which had these parameters:
LOVES TO TRAVEL ("Recently got back from Bora Bora!")
TRAINING FOR THE 17th TRIATHLON/MARATHON ("I'd love to have a new running partner!")
ADORES SUSHI ("The weirder the better!")
RIDES A MOTORCYCLE (Come ride on my bike!")
WANTS AN ATHLETIC WOMAN ("Come climb Everest with me!")
W - H - A - T - E - V - E - R
That's cool and all, the cookie cutter dudes, except, aside from the liking to travel, I'm not into ANY of those things. And online men seem to get really jacked about that stuff - like REALLY jacked. And they seem to want women who are really jacked about them too. BFF'S FOREVER!
There's a point to this, I promise...
Moving on...
So Dong and I sat down and Donger immediately started talking about how much he loved sushi. How healthy it was, how much he worked out and how he ate sushi all the time. I was eyeing the ribs, cuz = fucking swine, but...well, you have to remember that was way back when. And way back when I was much more spineless than I am now. And for whatever reason my douche-o-meter hadn't hit DEFCON yet and I wanted to impress Dong.
So I ordered some goddamn sushi.
I was a delusional lunatic.
Come on, do ya'll think it ends there? In your dreams.
Oh no. No no. While we were waiting for our chum platters, Dong proceeded to tell me about all the women he'd dated, how hot they were, but how they were totally nuts. Ohhh, but I "seemed" nice and sweet, and how that was a good change for him.
Uh-huh. I'm sure that's totally what the deal was Sport.
Douche-o-meter...DEFCON RED.
Finally our bait plates arrived and Dong just dove into his sushi, while I sort of pushed mine around for a bit. And the pathetic thing was, that my sushi wasn't even that weird. I mean I wasn't eating eel or octopus testicles, it was like tuna or some something. But the texture was like eating, oh I dunno, room temperature paste rolled in seaweed with a semen after taste. Totally gnarly.
By then, frankly, I was so fucking ready to go home with a stop first by Burger King that I was really more pissed at myself for not having the testicular fortitude to order what I'd wanted to eat in the first place. But as I was still gagging down my sushi the check had come, Dong had already finished his sushi and was reaching for his wallet. I was still chewing when Dong plunked a twenty down on top of the bill.
The total was $45
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
Gender Stereotyping Commencing Gender Stereotyping Commencing...
I have been exceedingly lucky that the overwhelming majority of my dates have been very gentlemenly and they have understood the time honored tradition of "the man pays on the first date". Sexist, I know...I'm not discounting that, but I admit, as a woman and even a feminist (maybe even a traitor, whatevs) it feels good when a man pays the first time. I cannot say why (society probably), it just does. Coffee dates are different, but lunch? Dinner? It's always nice and polite when the man pays.
Back to your regularly scheduled Doozy
So not only did I choke down some expensive chum for that muthafucker, but then he went dutch and stiffed me on the bill?
Needless to say, Long Dong Silver didn't get a second date. Much less anything else from me.
And if I'd known I was going to be paying for my own damn meal, I'd have ordered the fucking ribs.
Lesson learned
Thanks for reading and as always I love comments and feel free to share with your friends!
-Doozy
